Saturday, July 22, 2017

Heavy

Teens, adults; work colleagues, school friends; the successful, the unsuccessful; the unknown, the revered; Oscar & Grammy winners. 

Suicide.  It impacts and reaches into the lives of so many.  We continue to talk about it, but we continue to see lives extinguished that are experiencing turmoil and turbulence.

It's Saturday night.  I'm looking at articles, watching youtube videos, and reading lyrics because of the death of Linkin Park's Chester Bennington. 

Lyrics like these:

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

from 2000's "Crawling"

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain 'til it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

from 2003's "Somewhere I Belong"

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me

from 2007's "Given Up"

Now in my remains
Are promises that never came
Set the silence free
To wash away the worst of me

from 2012's "In My Remains"

I wanna fall wide awake
Watch the ground giving way now
You tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight
But nobody can save me now
I'm holding up a light
I'm chasing up the darkness inside
'Cause nobody can save me

from 2017's "Nobody Can Save Me"

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

from 2017's "Heavy"

Did I know Chester Bennington?  No.  But, I've known pain, confusion, darkness, depression.  Do I know his journey?  No.  All of our journeys are unique.  But, when I read that someone's journey has led to the outcome of Chester's, I ache.  And, I contemplate my own journey.

Personally, I've used Lifeline before.  I've called that number when I didn't know who to call.  I have family and loved ones who would want to tell me that I'm special, worthwhile, valued...but there have been dark times in my life when I was lost enough I didn't want to turn to them.  So, I called Lifeline, and I'm grateful that I did. 

Lifeline Australia 24/7 hotline: 13 11 14

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline USA 24/7: 1 800 273 8255

This link may be one of the most helpful things I've ever seen on Wikipedia:  List of suicide crisis lines by country

Rest in Peace, Chester
from Linkin Park's twitter


8 comments:

  1. Beautiful post Erin. So many of us have been there haven't we? I can't stop listening to their songs even though it feels like I'm picking on a scab over and over again. The most recent album feels like a suicide note. :(

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  2. Ahh Erin. This one really affected me. I dunno - Its like he was writing about his end all this time. Telling the world he was hurting and the world just sang along. Me included. So sad and such a good reminder that rich or poor, famous or not, mental illness is no discriminator.

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  3. I've been trying to decide if I can write about Chester's death. I discovered Linkin Park when I was in high school and, while I probably couldn't have told you Chester's full name, I knew most of the songs and listened to them on repeat.
    Internet comments about suicide being a sin and "these rich people who are famous and comfortable that stupidly end their lives" make me cringe. If you've never been in the position where you truly think suicide is the only way out then I think that's wonderful and you should be truly grateful... but it's damn near impossible to explain those feelings of desperation and false hope to someone who's never been there.
    I'm glad you put those resources out there, Erin! And I'm glad you called them! <3

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  4. ah shit i'm tearing up at work. this and all of this. i was really rocked by chris and now chester. the impact their music has had on my life cannot be expressed with words. and sometimes people don't get that an artist's death can shake us to the core, but it's the impact they had after all. having been in the darkest of places too, i just relate to all of this. and as i listened to his music all weekend (and today) i really HEARD what he was saying. i just wish we all would have a bit sooner too. anyway i hope you have a good week, and thanks for sharing your thoughts :)

    xoxo cheshire kat

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  5. I first learned of the news on Thursday and I immediately went to playing my LP playlist. I remember listening to Crawling and In the End back in HS when they first came out and thinking that whoever had written the lyrics must have been through some tough times. To see him struggle for all these years and then tragically end it all....I just cant even think about it right now. Mental illness, depression, suicide, they know no social status. Mental illness does not care if you are rich and famous. Money can't buy happiness. Some of the comments I have seen infuriate me and make this so much more painful.

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  6. I must admit that Linkin Park was never a band on heavy rotation for me, but my heart still grieves for him, his loved ones and many fans. It's so hard to explain how dark life can get for those who have never personally suffered with mental illness. That even when logically we know our thoughts are illogical, we still believe them. We still hurt, physically and mentally. And it's open conversations like this that help someone sitting in the dark, thinking they're alone and contemplating harming themselves, and lets them know they are not alone. There are people who understand and places they can go to for help.

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  7. It's just so incredibly sad that I just can't put into enough words ....
    No matter who you are, where you come from, how much money you have, suicide can touch anyone... The part that always boggles me is the profound loss.. the void.. that emptiness after the person has gone. Sure, they're gone but what about everyone else they've left behind? I say that, but I totally get it. It's just such a profound feeling that sometimes you feel like you can't shake, and sometimes you don't.

    If you ask me on a certain day, I'd tell you that I believe that some people aren't meant for this Earth, that they are "too big" for this world. Maybe in another lifetime or on another plane of existence... You know what I'm saying?

    I'm incredibly sad for his family and friends, but mostly for all of his children. :( I love(d) Linkin Park.. very tragic..

    <3

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  8. It all just makes me so sad. All those years their music was dismissed for being trivial teenage angst, but if you really LOOK at the lyrics its heartbreaking. Like Kerri said, he was trying to tell us and we didn't listen.

    Also thanks for posting those resources. It's tempting to think that they're for people with 'real' problems, not us, but that's not true. If in doubt, ring!

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